Note to dinner companions; keep your hands off my plate

Published 9:36 am Monday, July 28, 2003

By Staff
Most of you who read my columns know that I love women. Absolutely love them.
To me, women are God's finest creation, and then some. The most pleasurable and meaningful things I've ever done in my life involve women, and I'm more than proud to admit it.
But, even with all the things they have going for them, even with all of their plusses, women do manage to do one thing that drives me absolutely crazy.
And then some.
To illustrate what I'm talking about, imagine a man and a woman at a nice restaurant. They're checking out the menu, and are about to order dinner.
The waiter comes up to take their order, and proceeds to take the lady's first. After taking it, he asks the man what he would like to order. And from here the conversation goes something like this…
Man: "Waiter, I'll take the grilled scallops with just a touch of lemon juice on them."
Waiter: "Yes sir, an excellent choice."
Woman (to the man): "Gosh honey, I almost ordered that myself. It sure does look good, and I just couldn't decide between the scallops and the Italian chicken. No mind then, I may just eat one or two of yours. You won't mind, will you?"
It never fails – I hate it when women do that! You'd never see a guy order something, look over at another guy who's ordered something different, and say, "Gosh Ben, you ordered something pretty tasty there. Mind if I try some of it when they bring it out?"
If you did happen to hear a guy say something like that, he'd probably also be discussing interior decorating, window treatments, or worse yet, why Clint Eastwood movies are too violent. Not exactly a man's man, for sure.
On the other hand, women are deathly serious when they tell you they want to eat something off your plate. They fully intend, when the food's brought out, to eat whatever they desire. And this drives me crazy for the following two reasons:
1. There's just something inherently unsanitary about someone jabbing a fork they've been eating off of into your food.
I mean, just think about it, it can't be a good thing. I can almost visualize hordes of germs pole vaulting off that tainted fork right down into my food. Then, I can see them running around all over my steak, planting little germ country victory flags on it that say, "Conquered, in the name of Germobia." Finally, I can almost hear the germs laughing as they jump up on my fork, saying, "Well boys, let's deal a little dysentery to our good friend Ed here!"
2. If a woman wants your food badly enough to eat some off your plate, why doesn't she just order the item in the first place? That's never made sense to me – I've even asked a couple of ladies in the past why they didn't just do that, and I was told, "I only want a little, and you should be glad that I want to be close enough to you that I even want to share the food you eat."
Well, that sounds romantic and all, but here's how it really works out. If a lady takes something from your plate, eats it, and likes it, she's gonna knock a major hole in your helping. A major hole.
The worst thing is, the more she eats, the more she'll protest that she just wants a bite or two. Famous last words.
You'll end up with a plate with not much food on it, and she'll be so full that she falls asleep on you during the trip back home.
On the other hand, if she takes something from your plate and doesn't like it, she still leaves behind a small hole in your plate. Then, you have to deal with the fact that your food is cold from all the conversation that has occurred up to this point. Either way, you're out of food, money and are still hungry afterwards.
So ladies, I love ya'll, but please stay the hell away from my plate. We guys need a few things that we can enjoy alone -- stuff like going to the bathroom, ultimate fighting on TV and the food on our plates. If you ladies will promise not to interfere with these three things, then we'll gladly promise to stay the meek, hen-pecked, whupped types that ya'll have come to know and love.

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