Columnist claims he welcomes baldness

Published 10:43 pm Monday, October 27, 2003

By Staff
I am gonna admit something to y'all here that I didn't think was possible. Something y'all will swear I'm lying about. Something that seems improbable, but, if I'm totally honest with myself, is something that's actually very logical. And that something is that I'm enjoying getting bald.
Laugh all you will, shake your heads in derision all you want to, but I'm telling y'all the honest to God truth.
I'm having a good time growing bald. And, if you think that I'm making that up, think again.
There's some very good reasons for why I feel the way I feel, and I'm gonna list a few of them here for you now:
1) Taking care of your hair is easy. I can run a comb through my hair in ten seconds these days, and there are never any tangles to slow me down.
2) It's much easier to tell when it's going to rain. All I have to do is reach up and touch the bald spot on the top of my head. If my finger slips off, it's a pretty good sign that it's about to rain -- or maybe already has.
3) Shampoo goes a whole lot further. Back when I had a full head of hair, it would take pints of shampoo to keep it all washed and clean. Now, I could fill up the cap on a tube of toothpaste with shampoo and lather up my current crop of hair. In fact, in a pinch, I can even take a bar of soap and lather my hair with it. Makes my head smell a tad sweet, but sometimes you do what you have to do.
4) A gust of wind means nothing anymore. You barely even notice it. I do get some satisfaction out of watching guys with quaffed up locks suffer when a hard gust of wind blows through. A few years ago, during a windstorm, I actually witnessed a guy with a Tootsie Roll Pop wrapper stuck to his head because some wind had blown it up against his hair-sprayed noggin.
5) Some women actually like bald guys. There's several things about us to like. Our hairstyle is not gonna overpower our lady's, and we don't have to spend a lot of time in the bathroom taking care of it. Another good thing about us is other than wrinkles, we'll pretty much look the same for the rest of our lives. A final positive is that we're easier to find in the dark, especially if there's a good bit of moonlight. Night time romance is much easier with a bald guy.
6) You don't catch near as much grief about getting gray headed. I sure don't need to add anything to that.
7) No need to worry about a career in Hollywood or in rock music. That either.
8) It's safer. Let's face it -- bald-headed people typically have sort of a mean look about them, so the odds that they'll be robbed or attacked is much, much less than that of a less follically-challenged person. Think about it. Outside of really old people, when was the last time you ever heard about a bald guy being attacked? Need more proof? Just ask yourself what Kojak, Abdullah the Butcher, The Mummy, and Jason Voorhees all have in common.
9) People trust you when you handle food. I always feel much more at ease in a restaurant where the servers are bald. No hairnets to worry with, and no chance that a loose hair will skydive off their heads into your plate. And don't even get me started about dandruff.
10) Towels hold up better. Since we don't have all that hair to dry off, we don't put very much strain on a towel. We bald guys can use the same towel for weeks, which saves tons of water. We're ecologically sound, and, on top of that, we happen to be cuter than the devil, too.
So y'all see what I mean? Being bald really is enjoyable, and I think that I've made a very convincing case for us bald guys here.
And, with that, I'd like to take the opportunity to invite all of y'all to read next week's column, where I'll be making the case that eating a half gallon of Breyer's Butter Pecan ice cream each night can be an important part of a good weight loss program.

Email newsletter signup