Columnist has unique formula for success

Published 11:50 pm Monday, November 10, 2003

By Staff
Sometimes, in the writing business, you have to do some really crazy stuff to get publicity. Things that are really, really wild. I'm getting close to a crossroads in my writing career, so I'm thinking about doing something really, really crazy, something that'll help me become a real success in the writing business.
Let me better explain. These days I'm amazed with what all's going on with my writing career. More and more people seem to be reading this column, also, "Rough As A Cob" seems to be selling well.
My publisher surprised me recently and asked for a look at the manuscript to my third book. On top of that, my calendar seems to be filling up with speaking gigs, some of them really prime ones. So things seem to be going well, and we're making good, steady progress. I guess I ought to be happy with that, but, well, okay, I've gotta come clean here. The honest truth is that things are going well, but, at this rate, it'll still take years before I get really well known and make enough money to buy my own personal ICEE machine.
I love ICEES right now, so, if I want to be sipping a red one each night I've got to do something bold that'll get my name out there and bring me fame. Something quite noticeable.
What are my options? Hmmmmmmm -- well, I could jump out of a plane at twenty thousand feet with no parachute. The upside with that is that the pre-event publicity would be huge. I'd be in every newspaper in the country, and fame would be certain.
The only problem is that after this event I wouldn't be in much of a position to enjoy my newfound success, as being a flat, dead human pancake sort of defeats the purpose of achieving fame, I think. Given that, what else might I do?
Well, I wonder if I can get a shot at being a contestant on the latest version of "Survivor?" I could live with eating berries and stems and stuff for a few weeks if the money and fame were good.
The only problem is that I'd have to compete with about fifty thousand other contestants just to get a shot at being on the program, and, if I lucked out and made it, then I'd have to hang out with a bunch of half naked accountants and heavy equipment operators for the next several weeks.
Yechhh -- not a real pleasing thought, for sure. But wait, this does gives me an idea, and that idea is…
Being naked! That's it, being naked! I mean, think about it. Burt Reynolds shot to fame back during the seventies for posing au natural in Playgirl Magazine.
He literally went from being an unknown to becoming the top box office draw in the world soon after that. So, with that firmly in my mind, here's what I'm gonna do. Currently, on my website, I have a tad over 73,000 hits. What I'd love to get up to is 100,000 -- that'd impress my publisher, my editor, and might even scare up a little extra publicity for me.
Okay, I'll be honest, it might scare up a lot. So, here's what I'm gonna do -- if I can get up to 100,000 hits by Nov. 30th, then I'll post, on my website, a picture of myself totally naked. Ya'll heard me right -- totally naked. Kissing the wind with any and all parts of my body. And there'll be no trick pictures, either, it'll be me, the photo will be real, and quite revealing. Y'all can't lose -- if you're a lady that loves to look at naked writers, well, you'll not have to look any further when this goes out, or, if you're a farmer who's having trouble keeping crows out of your cornfields, well, all you'll have to do to get rid of them is to is to post my pic up instead of a scarecrow. It'll drive off crows, people, and probably mosquitoes as well if the truth be known.
Y'all please consider helping me out. If y'all wanna get me as nekkid as a jaybird, run over to my site ( and ring up those hits. If I'm lucky I'll get famous, make lots of money, and chug gallons of ICEES for the rest of my life. I'll also promise to never publicly get naked again, unless Shania Twain asks me to, and that's a whole 'nother column in and of itself.

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