Men: is your masculinity on the decline?

Published 2:47 am Monday, December 22, 2003

By Staff
Signs your masculinity may be starting to take a nosedive:
1. You give your wife or girlfriend the remote while the two of you are watching TV.
2. You start caring about window treatments, door sashes, or what kind of wreath will look best on your front door.
3. You start bypassing the political or sports sections of the newspaper and go directly to the home and garden or decorating sections.
4. You begin to think that those outfits bicyclists wear look good, and that it makes good sense to ride a few pounds of aluminum or steel out amongst semis and RVs weighing thousands of pounds and traveling seventy to eighty miles an hour.
5. Patronizing a "brunch buffet" at a local restaurant begins seeming like a good idea.
6. You begin empathizing with Martha Stewart.
7. You start asking your wife for small bills or pocket change.
8. You can't decide whether to order the steak, lobster or quiche at a restaurant.
9. You start watching the Home and Garden channel on TV and don't bother switching over to ESPN when someone else enters the room.
10. Michael Bolton's music doesn't seem so bad after all.
11. You start thinking about "accessorizing."
12. You burp silently when alone. In addition, you…nah, I won't even go there.
13. You actually begin to care which fork you use with the salad.
14. You straighten out your sock drawer, and neatly fold your underwear.
15. You see Homer Simpson or Al Bundy on TV, and the first thing that pops into your mind is "how gauche!"
16. You refuse to scratch your rear end, even when no one else is around.
17. You're channel surfing late one evening when you click on one of the infomercials for the "Girls Gone Wild" videos…and you just keep right on surfing.
18. You start thinking about how much you miss seeing Kathie Lee Gifford on TV each day.
19. You start using names for colors like "mauve" and "taupe" instead of purple and tan.
20. You actually consider going out into public wearing a fanny pack, thinking, "Well, if ladies can have their purses…"
21. While purchasing tickets for a movie, you ask the ticket seller pointed questions about how much graphic violence and/or sex there is in it.
22. You wonder whether or not you should keep celebrating Halloween.
23. You're willing to walk your dog out in public while wearing a pair of bermuda shorts and a tank top.
24. You begin to think about stocking up on wine coolers.
25. You start thinking about how enjoyable a little trip out to San Francisco would be.
26. You don't laugh when you see a Richard Simmons workout program on TV.
27. You find yourself hoping that Phil Donahue will make a comeback.
28. You don't even feel a slight twinge when a classic Kay Parker movie runs on cable TV.
29. A nice looking woman sidles over to you at a party, whispers in your ear that she really likes you, and you point out to her where the thermostat in the room is located.
30. You feel sorry for the lead characters in "Freddy vs. Jason," and hope that they can resolve their differences amicably.
31. You take a trip to the beach, get there, spread out your towel, coat yourself with sunscreen, slip on your sunglasses, and then keep your eyes closed the entire time you're there.
32. You read through all these previous reasons and never crack a smile.

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