Some things just change after marriage
Published 8:28 am Monday, February 23, 2004
Most weeks I try to write an equal opportunity column, one that men or women, black or white, young or old or whomever can read. And understand. And enjoy. Most of the time that's what I strive to do, but this week is different. This week I'm targeting a very specific audience. So, how do I put this delicately?
I guess I better shoot straight from the hip. Ladies, y'all know I love ya, but you really don't want to read this week's column. This week's column is a guy thing. Man stuff. Testosterone city. We need to talk among ourselves, so I would kindly ask y'all to move on to some other part of the paper.
Maybe the local news section, or the weather reports, or whatever. I promise y'all this is a one shot deal, and next week the column will return to its usual format.
Okay, guys, now that we've taken care of that, it's time to talk. I don't know about y'all, but I've got something on my mind that's really bugging me. Something that has to do with us and women. More specifically, something that has to do with what happens when we meet a woman we like. What I'm talking about here is the sequence of events that occurs throughout the whole mating ritual.
It starts out when we begin dating. At that point, everything we say or do is perfect, like we basically can do no wrong. We're Superman, Tiger Woods, and John Grisham all rolled into one. Then, things change in a big way after we marry. The following examples clearly illustrate my point:
Item 1: We yawn when they're telling us a story about one of their distant relatives.
Before marriage they'll say: "Oh that's so cute, you're adorable when you have that 'sleepy little boy' look."
After marriage it becomes: "And what do you have to be so bored about? Your whole family lined up together is about as exciting as a box of baking soda. And at least baking soda is useful."
Item 2: You watch an important football playoff match-up on TV.
Before marriage they'll say: "Baby, can I get you some chips and beer? Need me to close the blinds on account of the sunlight?"
After marriage it becomes: "Only a Neanderthal could enjoy grown men running around and hitting each other. What a barbaric, cruel sport. Then again, you like those nature programs where the wild animals eat and kill each other. Why can't you be like Tina's husband Bruce, who enjoys arranging flowers and interior decorating?"
Item 3: You happen to drive a sports car, let's say a Mustang Cobra.
Before marriage they'll say: "What a great car. When did you get it? Can we go out for a drive right now? I'll give you a little sugar if you will."
After marriage it becomes: "Your car isn't economical enough. What do you need a sports car for now? You're married, in case you've forgotten. Or are you trying to impress someone? Not that little two-bit floozie over at the Waffle House, is it? You need to go ahead and trade in that snake car for something practical, like a mini-van."
See what I mean, guys? We all know it's true, don't we? Of course we do. And what can we do about it? Absolutely nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. Let's face it, if we do something about it, we'll end up going without women, and I for one am not ready to take up that kind of lifestyle.
So we have to accept how things are, and learn to love it. I'd say more, but I've really gotta go now. There are dishes to wash, and a mini-van to wax.